/b/ - Random

>>322058 (OP) 
No, I thought I would have the balls to kill myself but didn't, so I wage cuck like I wanted to kill myself to avoid.

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>>322058 (OP) 
Pretty much yes, I'm living without conforming to other's idiocy or compromising for the sake of a job/money/relationship. 
Which funny enough, is something I couldn't have done if the plans of my youth had turned out as I wanted them.

I'm tired

17 years ago I was in my thirties. At that age you would no longer expect anything especially surprising about yourself to surface. The body and mind are breaking down gradually with age, and that process is accelerating. Can't be helped.

tbh OP i didn't really know what i would be. I didn't think i would see the truth about our world and see people for who they truly are. I grew up in the internet age and went to school with a social media addicted, negrofied generation. The world i knew when i was young is pretty much gone and all that left is me being angry and disgusted at the modern world but getting depressed knowing i can't do shit to stop it. I've been working for almost 4 years and haven't really gotten anywhere. Still live in the same house, go the same route from and back home, stuck in a liberal, nigger infested shithole, doom scrolling, watching youtube or old movies, eat slop and jack off to porn.

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I had no realistic expectations for what I would be doing with my life after high school and that revelation dawned on me on the Summer before my last year, I have no great love for anything and there is no society available, no group of friends, no family members, no sages of wisdom, anything to offer comfort and fulfillment however much of an illusion those things have been in a better state decades prior, the future is not only barren but populated with unbearable noise and props that constantly lie to you that everything is fine.

My only goal was getting a girlfriend and making a family, and I got one and I lost her because of my defective personality as I took her for granted, the only person who would ever satisfy my soul and the only one I think I'm capable of loving from now on, a one-in-a-million chance as even if women weren't currently caricatured into a parody of their worst traits I wouldn't find one as intelligent with the same sense of humor as I. I wouldn't know where to begin even talking about her and how I abused her, blogposting and navel gazing be damned. How do you forgive yourself when it's your fault?

I'm probably going to kill myself before the month is up, no one has given me a single good answer to keep living and I'm also getting pressured to wageslave, I hope I chicken out again, suicides are like bombs going off without warning maiming anyone who ever cared for/"loved" you but I'm fed up to my nostrils and at this point I have hardly anyone with the choices I've made. Love is the only thing that matters and means anything in the end so I think it's wrong that it's better to have loved and lost. The person who never had love reciprocated keeps who they've been unchanged for better and worse, the person who has blossomed any which way and other enrichment having a serious relationship end let alone if it's their first screws you up because you're ripped away from a person you've been fused to, someone who you've built your life around and planned to for the rest of your lives.

That Swans/Michael Gira song is my favorite of theirs; self-fulfilling prophecy.

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I started using imageboards in highschool. I think I thought that after graduation the world would tear me apart. Now, it's been a decade and I've watched the world tear itself apart, and I'm doing just fine. I feel a strange sense of schadenfreude about it.

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>>322143
Seems like a perfectly sensible response.
I have been an adept Greyman for over a decade. these days, with most everyone so insane, and retarded, I no longer GAF, I sputter like a schizo just calling out absurdity as I see it when I have to go out in public, like to shop for food or whatever.
It's not just negative shit either.
I like to BE that random act of kindness on occasion as well, especially with service providers like cashiers and whatnot.
The oddly placed marble, tiny trinket or tossed quarter is a nice respite from the constant headshaking from the insane self-centeredness of others.

i also like to "Herd" drivers on freeways and faster roads by following all the, apparently, forgotten road courtesies like 1 carlength for every 10 MPH, using turn signals well before I turn but not so much before that there's any confusion, Staying in the right lane, passing quickly then getting over again.
People fall right into line for a few miles, then a new "Herd" of assholes filters in. It's fun, next time you have to drive any distance, try it out yourself.
Most people, even,(especially,) the ones who posture the hardest, really are sheep.

>>322117
Freewheeling again?

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>>322140
>I had no realistic expectations for what I would be doing with my life after high school and that revelation dawned on me on the Summer before my last year, I have no great love for anything and there is no society available, no group of friends, no family members, no sages of wisdom, anything to offer comfort and fulfillment however much of an illusion those things have been in a better state decades prior, the future is not only barren but populated with unbearable noise and props that constantly lie to you that everything is fine.
While you were typing this a fresh off the boat migrant nigger faced with a similar dilemma except dramatically even more so decided to rape before the thought of feeling sorry for himself entered his subhuman mind.
>no one has given me a single good answer to keep living
Because you would be contributing to White genocide and worth less than the nigger replacing you otherwise.

NO

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>>322058 (OP) 
I'm going to come back to my thread to say that I am not at all who I thought I was going to be. I've sold myself out so much, and to such great success, and I feel so much guilt over it. Part of me wants to go back to this time where I was edgy, and gritty, and more real. Now I have a career, a 401k, credit cards, ETF, yuppie friends, and a stacy gf. Wasn't even a virgin when I met her but I don't care she's hot, and looks good on my arm just like the watches I collect. I'm so privileged now and...pretentious. Still hung up on little things that make me unhappy.
I suck now. I'm the person I resented back then. Its such a betrayal, and I still stalk these boards at night when my girl isn't looking over my shoulder and I remember giggling at the spurdos and the greentexts. All of the stupid webms and the internet harassment campaigns. That shit was fun. I enjoyed being an asocial sperglord. Aspergers isn't even a thing anymore so that term is going to be completely nonsensical in the future. Fuck man. Put me back to sipping gin out of a brown bag like a savage on the beach.

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>>322419
Though a piece of an answer the misery of our epoch is the lack of autonomy and a freedom that can be loosed. All of these dog & pony tricks and spamming CVs and sliding palms to keep your head above water, surrounded by people who have preened their personalities to be safe for work and conforming to the idea of professionalism. It's a gilded mediocrity that I resisted to fall into even if money doesn't stink because I want to truly live and didn't want to admit that the peak of life for the average person is living as Jack Fightclub in an impersonal abode with an automaton wife whose only aspiration to a hobby is Netflix and eating. This is the lowest point in human history, even the elites are as insipid as the peasants.

I have no idea on how to go about being empathetic and you're free to correct me but I really know how you feel, regardless if you did choose this lifestyle for the money and luxury. Even as a child I was conscious of that feeling, how I'm going to stop being who I am or whoever I could be or simply be in order to get hired to get money to "enjoy my life".

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>>322419
Buddy, have I got an album for you...

Enjoy drinking your gin out of a to-go cup by the water.

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>>322058 (OP) 
my hopes and dreams have long since been raped, now I'm condemned here with the damned.

I thought i would escape society by 24 or kms. Did neither yet. 

Some stuff, i thought correctly, i knew i would be alone but i thought i would be miserable, i am not miserable. I am very happy, nearly 10 months worth of wage in savings(which isn't a lot but who cares), good computer, nice bicycle, stay at a apartment with its own garden and i work a job i hate very much but it is very very simple and WFH.

As my old self, i thought i was going to be a sperg forever, i hide my autism and weird quite well now.

One thing i misjudged myself is i thought i would escape from porn addiction and be some kind of metrosexual or asexual because indifference to sex was very cool in the manga/anime i liked, but now i go into social medias and search bop, brat, tight and other magical words trying to find porn i like and i lose my mind if they show feet with that 'i know and idc' look on their face. I just accepted this thought, there is no escape from porn for me. I just jack off and go on with my day. I think me then would accept me for who i am since i just didn't grow out of the attractions i had back then.
 
The thing he wouldn't forgive me for is work i do, i gave up soo many of my principles for this work, i now have to use google meet, had to use windows for nearly 8 months on my 'work' laptop, had to setup microshit outlook nearly 100 times, setup microsoft office suite 10+, bought dozens of windows licences, i use vs code as my text editor and use AI once in a while(i never reach the token limit, at least). I used to be gold star libretard, corebooted x201, artix, full libre firmware, no gmail etc. The landing process for this job was a fucking humiliation ritual for me but i am taking everything i lost back, i made the IT negros allow linux to be used first, then i made them allow my own computer. If i find a way to reduce the meeting time lower, they can take as much as 5 hour off a day, and get my coworkers to stop calling me to tell the gospel about AI i will be happier. I can't really change jobs since i am a lazy fuck even thsi buerotratic hellhole of a company where we do nothing feels too stressfull sometimes.

I always knew the world was going to shit either way, couldnt possibly have foreseen it would go to shit the way it does, but one way or another it had to go.
I only laugh at the normgroids, in the end it is all their fault and it will come full circle on top of their head.
Some time ago i accepted there is no way, and should be no way, other than to hang on to the saving branch and watch the world get flushed down the toilet, thats where turds belong.
As a wiser fella than myself once said, i regret nothing, i have a quiet place of my own now where i will retire asap and keep doing what i do not letting the world drag me down and just laugh at justice getting served for all.
Quite stopped giving a fuck and being so angry when i realized its best to just step aside and let the problems resolve themself in the best way.
I was on the net most of my life, i barely remember to be honest, so i cant say much insightful about this whole shitshow, but i think it will be hilaroius in the review.

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>>322058 (OP)  
>swans
yea, uh ah
you know what crazy is? crazy is majority rules
we are all monkeys
a beast man, a disgusting man who could barely stand up. a man who if you saw him on the street you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him, a man who if you saw him while eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal
your entire habit inducing, thieving, whoring generation disgusts me
it is not fair

I'm the same person I've always been. It's everyone else around me who changes.

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>>322140
Yep I'm a pussy who did nothing.